Senate GOP Sets Sights on Labor Day

Senate Co-President Pro Tempore Glenn Coffey (R-Oklahoma City) announced today he intends to introduce legislation to abolish Labor Day or, at least, rename it to a moniker that is more business friendly.

Citing research from OCPA, Coffey said new businesses are refusing to come to Oklahoma and existing companies are leaving because of “the anti-growth, pro-union message that is sent by our continued recognition of this socialist celebration.”

State Chamber President Steve Rush said reform of the holiday system is critical to Oklahoma’s survival. He said, “If we are going to compete against the Sri Lankans and the Marshallese, we must let the world know that Oklahoma is no friend of Labor.”

According to documents obtained by The Flaming Moderate, a no-bid contract to develop a new name for the holiday has been awarded to the consulting firm headed by former Speaker of the House Lance Cargill.

Cargill said that while “all options remain on the table, we intend to develop a holiday that honors our captians of industry.”

McCain taps Alice from Brady Bunch to Clean Up Washington

In a move that borders on the sublime, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain has named Alice Nelson as his Vice Presidential running mate. McCain said, “Alice’s story is one that the American people know and understand and I can think of no person better qualified to clean up the mess in Washington.”

Alice, a housekeeper, is a single, good-natured, graduate of Westdale High and the chief cook and bottle washer for the Brady family. Alice has been working for the Bradys for seven years and gladly serving her employer “Mike” Brady, a widowed architect and his three young boys - Gregory (”Greg”), Peter, and Robert (”Bobby”). One day, however, Mr. Brady remarried and Alice’s duties doubled over night as Mike’s new wife, Carol Tyler-Martin, a widow and her three daughters - Marcia, Jan and Cynthia (”Cindy”) - moved into the four-bedroom Brady home. But Alice took everything in stride and welcomed the newest members of the Brady bunch including the girl’s cat Fluffy (The boy’s had a scruffy dog named Tiger).

Conservative pundits have heralded the nomination as a brilliant move that puts in play the hordes of disenfrancised supporters of Hillary Clinton and Independents who watch TV Land habitually.

Liberals have been quick to note that Alice is not as squeeky clean as she appears to be. While shopping for the Brady’s groceries, Alice will find time to visit the owner of Sam’s Butcher Shop where she is guaranteed to get a good cut of meat (lean ground sirloin @ 92cents/lb) and a smile from her boyfriend Sam Franklin, the butcher.

On occasion, Alice dreams of Mark Millard, an ex-boyfriend. He once came to town to court Alice, much to the chagrin of Sam, the butcher. Unfortunately, Mark (who had been married six times and had a gambling problem) tried to swindle Alice with a “very unusual investment opportunity” that luckily Alice turned down with the help of information provided by Mike’s friend in the district attorney’s office. Eventually, Alice and Sam married and like other married couples, they had to travel a few rocky roads along the way. After her wedding in 1977, Alice moved out of the Brady house but still lived nearby.

Delegate Bummed by Obama Setlist

Despite the rave reviews Democratic Nominee Barack Obama has received from both critics and laymen for his recent performance in Denver, Two Hit Ziggy, a Deadhead and Democratic Delegate from Boulder, CO, said he left Inesco Field with “an impermeable emptiness that longed to be filled with cosmic love.”

According to Ziggy the whole scene started heading south with Al Gore. “I know he’s all down with the earth, but Al was a total buzz kill. He totally could have used one of those space cakes they were selling in the parking lot.”
Ziggy also expressed disappointment with Obama. “Except for the light show, which was totally the bomb, I thought he played way too much new stuff. Yeah, his Scarlet into Fire was righteous, but there were like way to many suits there sucking up the energy. They just don’t get it man, they just don’t get it.”

Lazy Americans Lose Out to Chinese Child Labor…Again

Taking a page from the Wall Street Journal, China has again made good use of its child labor force to defeat the lazy Americans. This time, instead of capturing a market, the Chinese have captured the gold medal in Women’s Team Gymnastics. The key to China’s success was the illegal use of underaged girls.

When asked her age, Gold Medalist Jiang Yuyuan replied, “Mao’s Little Red Book teaches that the only thing worse than cheating is losing.”

Bella Karoli, the Lee Iaccoca of American Gymnastics, said “America’s demise has nothing to do with the fact that we are producing an unreliable, inferior product that breaks down under high pressure.”

Bowlegs Puts the Moves on Maud

As a child growing up in Bowlegs, Keet Cody spent endless summer days dreaming he was Mickey Mantle and the sandlot where he played ball was Yankee Stadium. And he still remembers how small his world became when he first laid eyes on the bright lights in Maud that let their American Legion Team dance on the diamond even at night. For years, the envy burned within him, like the hot Oklahoma sun. But, if Keet has his way, Bowlegs will finally be something more than just the easiest way to get to Maud.

The 47 year-old car wash magnate and divorced father of four is leading a conglomerate of Bowleggers in a bid to purchase the Maud Marauders, the Amercian Legion franchise that broke his heart so many summers ago. If the sale is approved by National Commander Marty Conatser, Bowlegs will be on the road to becoming a big league city.

News of the move has set the town of Bowlegs abuzz, with rumors rampant at Johnson’s Diner. Johnson’s regular Dirk Cody said, “I hear if we get this major league team we gonna be on the list for the Wal-Marts, which is damned good news since OTASCO went outta business after the oil patch dried up in ‘82.”

Long time Johnson’ s waitress Merlydia Cody was less optimistic. She said, “I ‘member when they said “Right to Work” and “Liquor by the Drink” was gunna be the answers to all our problems and now this town is fulla nuttin’ but shit faced scabs.”

Johnson Cody, proprietor of Johnson’s Diner, has been running an informal poll to name the new team. He said, “Right now, the Bowleg Warmers is in the lead, but the Spreaders and the Knee Knockers is gaining quick on ‘em.”

Terrill calls out hypocrites in mirror

Continuing his ongoing war against taxpayer deadbeats (read: illegal immigrants and state lawmakers) State Rep. Terrill issued the following statement:

“In Oklahoma, our new law tackles this issue by cracking down on identity theft, terminating taxpayer-funded benefits for debtors, empowering state and local law enforcement to detain debtors for deportation, and requiring businesses to verify employment eligibility of workers or face serious legal and financial consequences.

“The debtor debate is about a whole lot more than just economics. It’s about fundamental principles and values: respect for the rule of law, upholding our state and national sovereignty, basic human dignity and the and the immorality of exploiting cheap debtor slave labor, and protecting taxpayers from waste, fraud and abuse.”

Actually that’s what he said on 4/16/08 in USA Today. Except he was talking about illegal immigrants, not debtors. We’re hoping he recycles the following buzz words when defending his alleged bankruptcy fraud: “respect for the rule of law,” “immorality” and “taxpayer funded benefits.”

After all, society bears the burden of debtors just like they do illegal immigrants. Right Rep. Terrill? Shit, email him and ask him.

Obamic Fundamentalists Riot Over Cartoon

Enraged by what they consider to be a supreme act of blasphemy, hardline Obamic fundamentalists took to the streets of several major U.S. cities, overturning newstands and setting fire to Danish flags to protest a recent cover of the New Yorker magazine featuring a caricature of the Prophet Barack.  The rioting of the angry mobs resulted in extensive damage in New York, Boston, and Chicago, though uprisings appear limited to Blue States and areas north of the Mason - Dixon line. 

While condemnation of the cartoon was widespread, may pundits feared that Barackists were using the controversy as an opportunity to lash out at the perceived enemies of the Nation of Obama.  Nor do these fears appear to be wholy without merit:

A precinct Imam from Queens was spotted on the Upper West Side shouting, “Hillary and her Jewish media cartel shall be held to answer for this smiting of the Lord with their heads and the blood of their children!”  

At NYU, a band of radical graduate students spray painted a thesis on the wall of the Gallatin School of Individualized Studies arguing that Rupert Murdock and Western Colonialism in the Congo were to blame. 

John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, issued a statement decrying the carciture and said, “If elected I promise to nominate Supreme Court Justices who will not tolerate free speech in any of its forms.”

Bar Association Fan Hit with 255 Lb. Piece of Shit

The Oklahoma Bar Association has been declared a disaster area by Gov. Brad Henry due to extensive damage resulting from a collision between a 255 lb. piece of shit and the fan, according to Henry Spokesmodel Paul Sund.  While Sund declined to discuss in depth the disaster’s cause or the extent of the damage, he did confirm, “”The excrement made physical contact with an electric powered oscillating air current distribution device which resulted in the OBA being caked in fecal matter.”  Speaking off the record, Sund said the scene could best be described as ”New Orleans if Hurricaine Katrina had a scatalogical bukkake fetish.”    

The shit storm apparently started Saturday night during a wedding shower at Remington Park, when OBA General Counsel Dan Murdock was arrested for sexual battery.  According to the police report,  the woman claims that a highly intoxicated Murdock bit her nipple, gnawed on her neck, and then proceeded to “grab my pussy.”  The victim said that when she rejected his advances, Murdock became an enraged, sex crazed, piece of shit. 

Eye witnesses report that Murdock involuntarily transformed into ”The Incredible Bulk,” an alter ego that has plagued him since college when he was accidentially exposed to gamma rays from a batch of Spanish Fly he was cooking in his fraternity basement.  Murdock’s transformation into “The Incredible Bulk” is triggered by the lethal combination of excessive alcohol consumption and sexual frustration.  While Murdock has been largely successful in controlling his outbreaks during his adult life by attending painfully boring OBA events, “The Incredible Bulk” has been spotted at The Cock O’ the Walk several times over the last twenty years.    

 

 

GOP Attacks Black Man for Refusing Public Assistance

Barack Obama today announced he will forgo public assistance in his bid for the Presidency, reneging on an earlier promise to accept federal campaign dollars.  Obama said, “Change is the lifeblood of this campaign and I intend to get as much of it as possible, even if I have to beg to get it.” 

Republican pundits were quick to attack Obama’s decision.  Party spokesman Sean Hannity said, “Barack Hussien Obama spends all day begging for change, yet is apparently too good for public assistance.  Typical Democrat elitist.” 

Cindy McCain said, “My husband’s campaign will be run on real change.  The kind you can only get from recycling Anheuser-Busch cans.” 

 

Mean Brother Clones, Takes Over OK House

We started a “Separated at Birth” photo gallery featuring Oklahoma politicians (not to be confused with taxpayers)…because we have some fugly folks elected to public office, and many of them share the same barber/gene pool.

Little known fact:  After recovering from being turned into a huge turd in the movie Wierd Science, Wyatt’s brother Chett apparently was turned into several pieces of shit and elected to the State House.  Don’t believe us?  Take a look for yourself:

Rep. Todd Thompsen         Separated at birth?

Rep. Lucky Lamons           Rep. Chett

Rep. Fred Jordan                   Not Mike Jordan

Rep. Rex Duncan                 Sex Machine

Rep. Ryan Kiesel                   Joke getting old

 

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